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20121201
20121231
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 55 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Dec 19, 2012 1:00am PST
is all the way down at the end. - mm-hmm. - you have your own attached bathroom, by the way. oh, um, here's one of our best researchers. dick? - hey. - ah, hello there. [dramatic music] what's up, dude? glad to see there's another brother in this stuffy place. - so, uh, this is gonna be your assistant, genevieve. [dramatic music] - what is this? - it's the shining, man. all black people have the shining. you never shined with another black person before? - no, i grew up in a white neighborhood and then went to dartmouth. i've met other black people before, but not like this. - you gotta get shined at by another black person first, and then you get it. it's kinda like facebook. [dramatic music] - what up, dudes? - so every black person has this? is kobe listening? - [voice of kobe bryant] yo, what up? - wow! denzel washington? - [voice of denzel washington] i'm here, i'm present, and i will always be around. - lil jon? - [voice of lil jon] yeah! - [voice of barack obama] excuse me, lil jon. welcome, ray. i'm glad to have you on board. - oh, [bleep]! what's up, barack obama? ahem! [ch
Comedy Central
Dec 5, 2012 7:30pm PST
way. >> the proposal that came forward yesterday really is a joke. >> i'm not surprised at my colleague, senator mcconnell laughed at that proposal. >> the president's plan does nothing but damn to us becoming gree. >> disappointing. >> disappointed. >> i'meally disappointed. (laughter) >> jon: really? because you don't sound that disappointed, quite frankly. do you want to know what disappointed sounds like? >> disappointed! (applause) >> jon: that guy's clearly disappointed. even though that might have been what from what i understand at the internet a stage direction. he just happened to say it outloud. i don't know if that's true but why not spread it as far as i can. to their credit, the republicans didn't just complain about the president's plan, they put forward on paper numbers of their own. >> you see the offer on your gene, $800 through tax reform, $600 billion in health savings, $300 billion in mandatory savings, $300 billion further discretionary savings that nets to $2.2 trillion in savings. >> jon: all right, all right. so the g.o.p. proposal is adding up towards
Comedy Central
Dec 11, 2012 11:00pm PST
bronchitis. nobody got time for that. >> i definitely have time for that. keep up with our blog at tosh.com. buy stuff at our store but only if you want to. come see me on tour. f only if you want to. brickleberry is coming up. time for this week's spoiler alert. in this episode, steve dies. good night. oh, and we are moving to sundays at 1:00 p.m. see you then. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart! we've got a good one for you tonight. we've got a good one. our guest, laura linney. she's in the new movie in "hyde park on the hudson." daisy was apparently f.d.r.'s confidante at a time when confidante meant "guy i have sex with." (laughter) we begin tonight in michigan where ten months ago michigan's governor rick snyder -- (laughter). that's dee snyder. duke snyder. that's roy scheider. (laughter). (cheers and applause) that's just a picture of me looking aknowed with this bit. there we go. rick snyder. anyway, this (bleep) guy. michigan governor rick snyder went before congress ten mon
Comedy Central
Dec 12, 2012 7:30pm PST
went before congress ten months ago to say he was not particularly interested at this time in making the bedrock union state of michigan a right to work state. >> right to work is an issue that is a very divisive issue. people feel very strongly about it. we have many problems in michigan that are much more pressing that i want to find common ground issues we can work together on before we get into divisive issues. >> jon: (whispering) going to bring people together. (laughter) he was going to focus on common ground things people from michigan want and need. more robocoppers on the streets of new detroit. (laughter) getting the tourism board to work a little harder on its new slogan. (laughter) and finally -- (applause). finally michigan was going to fin their statue i have been petitioning for online. (laughter) they've got a rocky statue in philly, they should have a kid rock statue in detroit. that's some bull (bleep) right there. (laughter) none of that is done. he hasn't done any of it so -- >> moments ago the michigan house approved a right-to-work bill the state senate
Comedy Central
Dec 12, 2012 1:00am PST
apparently f.d.r.'s confidante at a time when confidante meant "guy i have sex with." (laughter) we begin tonight in michigan where ten months ago michigan's governor rick snyder -- (laughter). that's dee snyder. duke snyder. that's roy scheider. (laughter). (cheers and applause) that's just a picture of me looking aknowed with this bit. there we go. rick snyder. anyway, this (bleep) guy. michigan governor rick snyder went before congress ten months ago to say he was not particularly interested at this time in making the bedrock union state of michigan a right to work state. >> right to work is an issue that is a very divisive issue. people feel very strongly about it. we have many problems in michigan that are much more pressing that i want to find common ground issues we can work together on before we get into divisive issues. >> jon: (whispering) going to bring people together. (laughter) he was going to focus on common ground things people from michigan want and need. more robocoppers on the streets of new detroit. (laughter) getting the tourism board to work a little harder on its ne
Comedy Central
Dec 21, 2012 7:25pm PST
at light ♪ ♪ ♪ stand by me if thou most compelling ♪ ♪ don the peasant who is he wearing what his dwelling ♪ ♪ ♪ underneath the mountains right against the forest by st. agnes fountain ♪ ♪ and bring me blush and bring me love ♪ ♪ thou and i will see him dine when we bear thither. ♪ force they went together ♪ and the bitter weather ♪ stars at night is darker now and the wind grows stronger fails my heart i know not how i can go no longer ♪ ♪ dress thou boldly thou shall find the winter's rage freeze thy bloodless cold ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ therefore, christian men be sure ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: good night. [cheers and applause] >> from cod news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark mayor cory booker will be joining us, but let's begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. we've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to
Comedy Central
Dec 13, 2012 7:30pm PST
ghost voice]: but it's time to look at your past. take my hand, jon stewart. jon jon we will fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: we will fly, fly, fly, jon. >> jon: fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: fly, fly. >> jon: this feels a lot like walking. where are we? this is going to be exciting. oh, my god, that's my old middle school. [speaking in a ghost voice]: that's right, jon stewart, behold. >> i have a millennium falcon for christmas. >> i got an electric guitar. i got a new bike. >> hey, jon, what did you get for hanukkah? >> i got a pomegranate. >> a what? >> a pomegranate. it's a fruit. you eat the seeds. >> what kind of dweeb eats seeds? >> it was the second night. we always get fruit. [laughter] [speaking in a ghost voice]: good times. >> jon: no, not good times. everybody made fun of me because i brought fruit in. >> it had a lot of vitamin k. >> jon: who are you? >> seriously? how long have i worked here? >> jon: new york i mean, in the bit, who are you? [speaking in a ghost voice]: i am the alternate ghost of christmas past. what if you had your wish and being a jew at c
Comedy Central
Dec 21, 2012 10:00am PST
that day honoring their christ, a mass christ, if you will. [laughter] now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as, there is no war on christmas or you're [bleeped] crazy. [laughter] classic wit. that was before i realized what these poor folks have been going through. >> this is the thing about atheists, they bully other religions. >> they're trying to put their hands in my religion. >> it's about being intolerant to the nature of tradition in this country. this ends up being about bullies. >> they're being bullies. what are christians supposed to do? turn the other cheek. oh, oh, no, wrong jesus, my friend. >> there is a problem in america with the christian forces being weak. >> that's right. i'm telling you, bill, wimpy pastors produce wimpy christians. >> they see jesus as this little wimpy guy who walked around plucking daises and eating birdseed. [laughter] >> jon: plucking daises and eating birdseed? i think you're thinking of russell brand. it's a common mistake. to think of him. no, the truth is i think even most non-christens don't particularly care that for about
Comedy Central
Dec 17, 2012 7:25pm PST
defended by the brave souls at fox news. are they still up to the task? that is the subject of tonight's "war on christmas, friendly fire" edition. let's face facts. the annual fox war on christmas has become a little predictable. basically imagine you can make one up like a make fox news mad libs. let's see. so let's see. let's try to do one of these. last week in... i need the name of some godless liberal bastion >> santa monica. jon: that will do. i mean fill in santa monica there and in santa monica a group of... give me the name of a small group of annoying people with incredibly limited control over our culture >> atheists jon: atheists will do. that's right. everyone's favorite uncle that lives in oregon that no one ever sees. a group of atheists have ruined christmas by forcing the removal of... i need a classic christmas symbol. (laughing) dam it, brian, we're trying to do something here. go sit in the car. >> a nativity scene jon: thank you, nativity scene. some people are still grown-ups over there. okay. all right. so we're done. let's see if we can put that altoget
Comedy Central
Dec 11, 2012 1:00am PST
. that led to sports commentator bob costas commentating on this at half time >> you want actual perspective on this? a bit of it comes from the kansas city based writer jason whittlock from the end of his article. "our current gun control ensures that more and more domestic disputes will end in the ultimate tragedy. in the coming days javan belcher's actions and their possible connection to football will be analyzed. who knows? but here is what i believe. if javan belcher didn't possess a gun, he and cassandra perkins would both be alive today sniem and now the marching band. all right. obviously this is a tragedy. it's more complicated than that. if we're going to start addressing issues you have to talk about domestic abuse, mental illness, the head trauma, the football and the drugs they give the guys for pain. i'm assuming that costas is leaving to that cleatus, the fox robot. still he was trying to start a conversation. he succeeded. >> that belonged on nbc cable channel. then you expect that over there. you don't expect that during a football game >> it's nfl sunday. it's
Comedy Central
Dec 20, 2012 1:00am PST
. look at all the money we saved. - how much did that bulletin board cost? - all the money we saved. - look, woody, i need some time off. i'm flying to india to get back the love of my life. - hold on. uh, woody was just telling me how he tried to suck himself, and somehow you still win most pathetic. - they will be no time off, and that's final! get to work! - i understand. - no. - o-o-ooh. - what did you say, steve? - i said no. not this time. you're not gonna push me around. i'm not backing down! - what? - yeah. i'm going to india to get rock shit pony back. i love her and that's what i'm going to do, whether you like it or not. - well then, steve, you're-- - fired? good. you treat me like garbage. you can run this place on your own. i should've left when the others did. now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going to india! [indian music] ♪ rock shit pony? - steve? - i'm sorry, guys. i guess i should've practiced more. i got lazy and let it all go to my head. - [chuckles] looks like you let some of it go to your ass, too! - it's okay, connie. - you. you ruined me! that vagina could hav
Comedy Central
Dec 7, 2012 1:00am PST
o amusement from the get-go. it does raise the philosophical question does loss of privacy again at conception? let's hope. for our-- for our entertainment's sake, she has a litter. >> could the morning sickness mean twins? >> headline this morning s it twins. >> maybe even twins. >> maybe. >> so if it's twins to clarify the doctor will need to decide which baby to pull out first and that will-- that's the heir. (laughter) obviously i'm not a doctor but i'm not sure that's how it works. you know what i say, screw the doctor, let the impartialality of the claw machine decide. (laughter) for more we're joined by senior prenatal correspondent samantha bee. samantha, thanks for joining us. (cheers and applause) >> thank you. >> jon: sam, obviously there's a lot of speculation about this baby, what are you hearing? >>. >> jon, i can end all the speculation right now. it's a boy. his name is philip, not a ginger, thank god. loves adele, hates russell brand. believes that one day he will get in india back for england. >> jon: wait, now that-- that is incredibly detailed for the first trime
Comedy Central
Dec 20, 2012 7:25pm PST
host from live at lincoln center and broadway star audra mcdonald. hit it, andy. ♪ ♪ i really can't stay ♪ baby, it's cold outside ♪ i've got to go away ♪ baby it's cold outside ♪ this evening has been so very nice ♪ i'll squeeze your hands, they're just like ice ♪ my mother will start to veryry and father will be pacing the floor ♪ listen to fir place roar ♪ so really i gotta scurry ♪ well, maybe just a half a drink more ♪ put the some records on while a pour ♪ the neighbors might think -- >> ♪ baby, it's bad out there ♪ say, what's in this drink? i wish i knew how to break the spell ♪ i'll take your hat, your lair looks swell ♪ i ought to say no, no, no, at least i'm going to say that i tried ♪ what's the use of hurting my pride ♪ i really can't stay, oh, but it's cold outside ♪ baby, it's cold outside (cheers and applause) >> stephen: audra mcdonald! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." w
Comedy Central
Dec 6, 2012 7:30pm PST
of the place. they have-- if you look at it factually, corporate profits are at an all-time ho-- all-time high. that was-- that was a freudian slip of proportions. corporations are all-time ho's. no, but their profits are at an all-time high. worker wages have stagnated even as productivity has gone up. so i guess i'm confused as to why we are chasing their favor when they seem to have had such a good run over these past 20 or 30 years. >> yeah, well, our corporate tax rate is the highest in the world -- >> but not actually. >> well, 36% is where we're at. what we did, we took away all of these tax expenditures, all of these deductions, all of this stuff. this is just earmarks by any other name, and it's spending by any other name, and it's $1.1 trillion a year. and only 20% of the american people use 80% of the stuff in that tax code. does that give you the wake-up call who is gimming the system? we got rid of all that and give people from 0-70 grand, 8%. 70,000 to 210,000, they pay 14, everything over that, 23. take the corporate rate from 26 to 36 and not tax them twice when
Comedy Central
Dec 6, 2012 1:00am PST
) captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (thunder crashes) (fry screams) from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." what a good one we have for you tonight. my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, alan simpson-- one-third of the singing trio "ashford and simpson and bowles" ( laughter ) you should not get their album. they're not very good. let's begin tonight with america. it's great! and republicans in the united states senate think it's about time america cafta, side it's famed humility and let the world see the awesomeness that is us. >> the nation and the world need strong american leadership. >> we need to continue to lead the world. >> we wanted our example to inspire the people of the earth. >> they're waiting for america to lead the way. >> we are as a nation a beacon of hope for many across the globe. >> we've created a beacon of hope and opportunity for the rest of the world. >> jon: a beacon of hope. a home beacon, a-- come on, w
Comedy Central
Dec 18, 2012 11:00pm PST
flyer. >> i'm at the denver broncos cheerleader tryouts to be the first male broncos cheerleader... ever. >> tosh: i bet we have a lot in common. if twitter still exists please follow me on and if you care about charity i'll be headlining a show with many talented comedians and profits will be donated to some of my favorite causes. if you're not a fan of antho a jeselnik you're in luck. they cancelled. in this week's brickleberry, statistically 458 of captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart! we've got a good one for you tonight. we've got a good one. our guest, laura linney. she's in the new movie in "hyde park on the hudson." daisy was apparently f.d.r.'s confidante at a time when confidante meant "guy i have sex with." (laughter) we begin tonight in michigan where ten months ago michigan's governor rick snyder -- (laughter). that's dee snyder. duke snyder. that's roy scheider. (laughter). (cheers and applause) that's just a picture of me looking aknowed with this bit. there we go. rick snyder. anyw
Comedy Central
Nov 30, 2012 7:30pm PST
mitt romney just wrached up lunch in the private dining room at the white house. >> jon: i can't believe it-- mitt romney, the guy is just lucky! he probably barely donated much money at all but he still got-- (laughter) the event was actually closed to cameras but we do have footage of governor romney arriving at the white house. i believe that is him there and then he's getting out and then-- (laughter) that's-- campaign is over. so he doesn't have to pre-- pretend any more. can wear that serengeti lion sash he hadn't been wearing. by the way, obama couldn't have met the guy in a restaurant? had to make him come to the white house? that's some cold brew. hey, romney, what's up, man, hey, sn it funny, you almost lived here. yeah, this was almost your place, 3 million bus, you know what i mean? oh you worked so hard for seven years and-- you were just about to knock and go in and-- [bleep] anyway, check out what you have been missing. if you lived here you could be doing right now, watch this, watch this give me a monte chris o san witch, you like adele, get me adele on the phone
Comedy Central
Dec 3, 2012 7:30pm PST
speaking out for better pay and benefits. >> jon: what? (laughter) you get to work at wal-mart on thanksgiving day! (laughter) a ring side seat to the greatest show on earth. >> i it's a black friday tradition. >> (bleep). i'll stab one of you mother (bleep) (audience reacts). >> jon: do you know how much people pay to go to fights like that? (laughter) you get paid -- some -- to see it. (laughter) isn't that benefit enough? truly your vest runeth over. (laughter) but that's not enough for you, greedy hourly slightly over the federal poverty line employees. (laughter) now you want to unionize! besides, everyone knows comparatively speaking in the wal-mart world you've got it pretty good. >> violent protests in bangladesh this morning after a deadly garment factory fire. saturday's fire killed at least 112 factory workers. the factory is owned by an exporter whose clients include wal-mart. >> jon: see? (laughter) wah-wah! "i work at wal-mart in the united states! i can't afford to take my kids to the doctor!" well, at least where you work there are exits! (laughter and applause) an
Comedy Central
Dec 21, 2012 1:00am PST
you, this thing had me at frame one. now, they don't adopt this crazy chick till about 45 minutes in. yeah, she's just up in the attic. she's painting. she can paint really well. oh, the mom's a great pianist too. did i mention they have a deaf daughter? they have a deaf daughter. kids who hang out with adults are [bleep] freaks. and they become instant best friends. "we're best friends. i'll learn sign language. how long should that take?" apparently like a half a day. and the dad's like, "oh, i don't believe you, woman, that i've known my entire life. i believe this girl that we just met." she never wants to go to the dentist either. she's like, "don't take me to the dentist." and they're like, "okay, you don't have to go to the dentist." anyway, kids start dying every -- left and right, people are dying. and one night he's pounding them back, and the kid starts to go, like, rub the father in a real sexy way. and i'll be honest, she looks good, i think. to be quite honest, i forgot that part. "no, you can't jerk me off. you're my adopted kid." meanwhile there's a deaf kid just runn
Comedy Central
Dec 18, 2012 7:25pm PST
sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from company dee central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we've got a show for you tonight. going to break the bank. my guest tonight, right here on this stage, should i say a certain boss from new jersey? (cheers and applause) not that one. governor chris christie. huh? he's the boss. (applause) the other boss. folks, we've been so wrapped up here in this country with our election, our fiscal cliff, our inattention to events in egypt and syria that we forget there are important international stories that deserve our focus. and then there's this one. >> yes, exciting the british royalty is expanding am will and kate with preggers. >> see that, it's a royal baby bump, what a joy to be here on this day of celebration. >> there's the picture on the times, we're expecting. and then i love this one, kate's expectations. (applause) >> jon:
Comedy Central
Dec 3, 2012 10:00am PST
night. captioning sponsored by triage entertainment group captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wghb.org captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart! we've got one for you tonight, man. we're not messing around. our guest tonight, noted -- (audience yells something) i'm sorry? i hope that was not an anti-semitic slur. our guest tonight -- (laughs) it's my birthday today so -- (cheers and applause) thank you for the kind wishes. (cheers and applause) thank you for the kind birthday wishes, again, thank you. very kind. but let's get to our show! the noted author and inventor neil young is going to be joining us. (cheers and applause) we begin tonight with the attacks on the u.s. consulate in benghazi, libya. it was a tragic situation where american lives were lost and in the three months since the attack, legitimate questions of adequate embassy security, americas overall advocacy in fighting the war on terror and the intricate dance between national security confidentiality and the public's right
Comedy Central
Dec 20, 2012 11:00pm PST
to be on-- "the love boat" and john stamos's --. neither helped your career, but at least "the love boat" didn't try to -- you in the ass. that would've been exciting and new. i love you, jesse. this honestly has been quite a night. i was concerned because it's hard to make fun of my friends and the people i love, but luckily none of them are here. and it's really, truly-- it's really great to be honored and to be part of a hit show. and i know this is gonna be a hit show because i'm on it and we're gonna edit out jon lovitz. 'cause that's what i do. i star in monster tv shows and i cut out the lame parts, you talentless white --. so in summation, and i mean this to all of you from the bottom of my heart, -- you all and suck my $100 million --. good night and thank you. ♪ bob saget ♪ bob saget ♪ bob saget ♪ bob saget news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark mayor cory booker will be joining us,
Comedy Central
Dec 12, 2012 11:00pm PST
the kids at school an apology. did you see argo, kenny? it's a pretty good movie. ben affleck has a lot going for him. not everything, but a lot. whoopee! news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark mayor cory booker will be joining us, but let's begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. we've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on christmas where a small band of 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their lord's birth, to have a mass on that day honoring their christ, a mass christ, if you will. [laughter] now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as, there is no war on christmas or you're [bleeped] crazy. [laughter] classic wit. that was before i realized what these poor folks have been going through. >> this is the thing about atheists, t
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 55 (some duplicates have been removed)